Sunday, March 7, 2010
I just want to share a few thoughts I have about depression...
One time I woke up feeling light-headed and I felt that the surroundings are too bright for me. It was about 7am in the morning and I am an out of school youth. My parents decided to put my college plans to halt and let my sister graduate from vocational school. Anyway, I didn't went to college after all. I also finished vocational courses in IT in an obscure school near a market place. I had this feeling that something might escape my head and kept wondering what could be it. The world to me seems like in total shambles. I didn't remember how I ate breakfast and how I was able to take a bath and do my morning rituals. I really felt that I have to grab on to something because I felt that something is about to escape from me or my head. I sat down for a while and my parents did notice that i wasn't the regular boy they know who will go someplace and waste time.
I do remember that for the last few days, I am looking back at my life how I did screw up my high school grades and I really was a rebellious idiot of a son of a traditional (or old fashioned) household. I realize what mistakes I made and what I could have done better. I sulked in my bed for so many hours thinking what I could've done. My mind is also busy thinking what does a boy like me doing in a rural place wherein before, we had a nice house in the middle of nowhere in our province where nature is my playground. We left the place and settled in a small apartment wherein the kitchen, living room, and bed are at all the same place. Everyday, I saw my former schoolmates going to their school somewhere in Manila. I happened to talk to some of them. Some of them went to PUP, MAPUA, Adamson etc. And I am just a bum burning my ass at home. My scores back in HS will not even grant a baranggay captain scholarship so that my parents won't worry of college fees. At first I thought it was fun doing nothing but stare at the streets and put scores on every pretty girls passing by. It was fun for a few weeks, but then it was getting stale. My old guitar's tuning pegs broke so I have no way to entertain myself or even get some other skills. I didn't like basketball, yep never liked it at all. But I am the perfect errand boy of my home. I do all the chores in our house and help with the small business my mum is running. I did develop a good physique because I have to fetch water several blocks from my home and I carry huge gallons of plastic cans going to and fro with 6 or 8 of these heavy cans about 3 times a day. I do enjoy a few adoration of local girls because of my youth. But then it came to me that these things became routine. The same people I see passing by are becoming boring. The people around thought ill of us for some stupid reasons. The local girls either moved away to pursue their studies or got married .Friends randomly come because they are busy with their own lives and I was left for myself having nothing and no one. And I started to miss my days in school or rather I miss the interaction with other people.
So there I was, with my regular chores of fetching water and at the back of my mind, I know that I am about to loose my sanity. I know that at that time I was feeling sorry for myself and denies that I have a problem. I was never vocal about anything at all and most of the time, I keep things to myself. At that time, my vision became blank. I hear my surroundings but it sounded like a loud blur. I felt the chilling water on my fingers and hear it beating inside the plastic can. And at the back of my head something woke me up. My vision went back to normal and my mind went back to reality. I felt the water in my hands and flushed my face with it for a few seconds. I thought to myself, I am still alive, healthy and young. What am I doing feeling like the world already ended? I felt a surge of energy through my muscles. As I filled the last can, I pushed the cart containing 8 water containers to our home and started pouring the contents on a huge industrial cans 2 at a time. I felt like I am on top of the world at that point.
That time during the evening, I have spoken to my parents like I never spoken before. I knew there was a flash of surprise in their eyes but they did carry on with our conversation. We were laughing and exchanging stories. They even told me that I will be going back to school any time now after my sister's graduation. Everything seemed different that time. I felt this depression when I was about 16 or 17 years old.
Depression is real and it could hit anybody no matter how young or old you are. The story I just told you is short and there is a lot of details I purposely left out. But what I wanted to share is that you can dictate what you will feel everyday. Mistakes are a part of life. Big or small it happens. Sometimes some mistakes are negligible but sometimes you will have to suffer the consequences. Some medical studies says that depression could be caused by lack of certain vitamin or nutrition groups or even lack of physical activity. But of course, they also acknowledge the power of the human mind. Your mind can dictate the functions of your body. What you feed in your mind will either nourish you or destroy you. When you are feeling down and everything seems too dull, you need to reach out. You can't fight depression alone. I wasn't able to cope from it all by myself. I needed my family and friends for me to open up. I risked a few trust issues but did a lot of help to me. But coming out of depression starts in acknowledging that you need help. That you are not happy or you feel lonely or whatever gloom you are in. It's starts with opening up and start to think positively. You could probably avoid the stuffs that might have contributed to your gloom (e.g. I listened to too much negative themed music that time so I ditched it) . And the important thing I instilled in my mind that all of us do have purposes in our lives. Butterfly effect tells us that a soft flutter of a butterfly wings could cause a world wide disaster. Your actions too could have a major impact to someone or something. You'll never know that the minute you wasted your time moping of some senseless things, some good thing was not happening because you were to busy being an idiot and selfish. Yes, depression could also be because of selfishness. You are not alone. There are like billions of people moving around this world and by God, He didn't wasted his time creating you just to waste it on your own selfish moping.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
When I was a kid, I was not confident enough to talk to pretty girls because I thought that they only talk to cute guys. I never thought of myself as "cute" back then and I am still not thinking that I am now, so you can imagine the level of insecurity I had and might still have. During my kindergarten years, I was approached by a nice girl many times but I instinctively run away. For some months, she always try to talk to me and I just look down on the floor avoiding to make eye contact. But then she got tired of trying to be friendly with me and she decided to befriend other boys and just left me alone. One time, I saw her laughing and playing with the other guys and in my tiny heart I felt a small feeling of jealousy. But then I didn't do anything about it even though we have been paired in some school activities many times, I just didn't know how to deal with girls and my parents didn't really paid attention much when I showed signs of girl phobia. Oh well, you know how old folks are.
Elementary school came, I went to public school. Not much girls around, just a few farmer's daughter who acted like boys. I felt a little comfortable when girls played with us boys back then. And I felt good when I win the game for them. The girl's are one of the boys.Then, I met an exceptionally pretty girl during my intermediate years. We talked, we share school stuff, jokes, even walked together, we are really getting close. And one thing she shared to me was her crush on one of my friends. Ooh what a let down. I was like planning to write a nice little note about how I feel and when the time is right...aahh forget about it. I wasn't doing well in dealing with infatuations back then. I clammed up and started being mean to the girl. Way to go, kiddo! hahaha. We never talked ever since and never heard of her since then.
High school I sort of improved...a little .Well, honestly I didn't enjoyed high school much. Yeah, so most kids do consider high school the best times of their lives. It's a period of discovery and learning about yourself and your peers. It's the time when some kids are eligible to get into relationships. It's a period where girls will chase after cute boys and boys are busy being curious with lots of "things". I however, am one of the weird ones. I become aloof and prefers to be alone. I tend to just blend in to the surroundings instead of mingle with the crowd. Yeah, I do found a liking to pretty girls every year. But the pretty girls will just say "hi" and "bye" just like that if they knew you got your eye on them. But when I mustered enough courage to tell one of them, an older girl came up to me and started to tell me that she likes me. I was totally held back. I didn't know how to handle it. She was like singing a song right in front of me and during break times she will sit down beside me and talk of whatever she wanted to say and I will just answer with few phrases then look away. She wrote like 3 letters to me. She even called a radio station and dedicated a song for me! I have no idea how to handle it. I am bewildered by the turn of events and of course, I like someone else that time. So I think it ended when I said, I wasn't ready to be involved which is so not entirely true. But then she didn't really took it well. She held so much grudge that even 3 years after graduation, she would give me the evil eye. I never got into any relationships during my high school days but it then it was a combination of a lot of things and not because of her.
I did experienced a few heartaches after high school. I did realize that men are not always the ones that are capable of hurting ones feeling but women could be equally mean when they themselves had been hurt once before and you are just and unwitting victim of their revenge to the male species. I grew up with 5 sisters and I saw them laugh and cry on different relationships they had. They always reminded me (and sometimes in a form of a threat, hehehe) not go around breaking girls heart. Even my only brother could be a douche sometimes but hey, he does learn most of the time to respect women. I did at some point did not take advantage on women. Sometimes I overdid it and some of them accuse of me of being a homo. Ah, the price of being a gentleman, but at this age and times, I guess chivalry might be dead or not even remembered by both genders. The liberal minded could really make true gentlemen cease to exist. I did taste a few human pleasures; younger and older than me. Most of the time, these relationship happens to fast it ends quickly without you even knowing what it really meant. And that leaves me empty.
I still do have the tendency to not tell what I feel for a woman that I really like. I still hide my feelings and always wearing a facade of being funny, unlikeable character. But if one can really read between the lines, when I get ridiculously funny to a girl, sometimes it means something else. I can easily say something smart and revert to being dumb. I can throw sweet words and take it back and then give funny lines. Yep, I am a complicated character at times. I guess not everybody will have the patience to know what it really means to be a Torpe.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
I am a proud Filipino.
I have brown skin, dark hair, dark brown eyes, average height and of course I live in the Philippines.
When the national anthem is played whether in school, in a movie house, malls, municipal building or any case maybe I stand still and silently sing the anthem. I do put my right hand on my left chest and face the Philippine flag if there is one. Some people ask me why do I do this and tell me we are no longer in school, I tell them why not? Just because an authority does not see me do my civic duty, that doesn't mean I will cease to be a Filipino. I am a patriot and I love everything about my country. I dare not use any national symbol as an accessory. I speak of my being Pinoy with pride and dignity....So ask me this, why is this a big deal to me?
Tanunging mo ang mga karaniwang tao tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay tungkol sa pagiging Pilipino. Pa-awitin mo ng Lupang Hinirang hindi kabisado. Kahit title na nga lang ang alam nila "Bayang Magiliw". Tanungin mo kung sino ba ang mga importanteng tao ng rebolusyon para sa kalayaan ng Pilipino malamang si Rizal lang ang alam nilang sabihin. May issue pati ako kay sa pagkakahirang kay Rizal bilang national hero, pero sa next blog na lang siguro. Siguro nga, understandable na rin siguro kung ang iba sa atin eh walang pakialam sa kung ano man ang history natin.
Ang mga bagay na ikinatataas ng kilay ko sa ibang tao, ay ang phrase na "ang hirap sa ating mga Pilipino...." at maraming negatibo kang pwedeng idugtong sa mga salitang ito. Hindi ba sila nakakaintindi na lahat ng tao mapa- Pilipino, Amerikano o kahit anong dugo pa eh pwedeng gumawa rin ng kinaiinisan nilang ugali?
isang halimbawa na lang:
Filipino Time - ang Pilipino raw mahilig daw magpahuli, kumbaga magpaimportante sa mga meeting, lakaran at kung ano pang pagtitipon. Pero balik tayo ng konti mga 400 years before, nung sakop pa ng Kastila ang Pilipinas. Yung mga latak ng lipunan sa Spain ay tinatapon sa Pilipinas. Kaya halos lahat ng mga Espanyol na tumira rito mga masasamang ugali na sa katagalan ng paglagi nila rito ay kumapit na sa ating kaugalian.
Pag-aralan nyo maigi ang literature ng buong mundo, manood kayo ng TV o movie at kahit anong media. Hindi ba't ang masamang ugali ay hindi namimili ng lahi? Ang problema lang kasi, masyado nating pinapalaki at pinapatagal ang balita tungkol sa masamang gawi at dahil galit ka sa kapwa mo Pinoy, sasabihin mo ito'y ugali na talaga ng lahi natin. Well, that is where the ignorance of most people really show. Pinoy values has been tainted with foreign influences for almost 500 years. The identity of Pinoys are obscured because of the foreigners trying to shove their own culture to us. Colonial mentality has too much of a stronghold on most of us. The weak minded feel awe in the presence of differently colored men.
I am not anti-foreigner because I do believe they did made considerable and significant contribution to our society. The Japanese held a great philosophy when they opened their country to western influence. The Japanese stood to this belief "Japanese ethics, Western technology" . It's how they handled modernization of their country. So why can't we?
I still believe that there are still true Pinoys out there who still upholds our culture, ethics and values. I still believe that everyone of us can still bring back the glory of our race. It may be a hard, long and difficult journey but still we can do it. Sabi nga ng matatanda, piliin ang mabuti at iwaksi ang masama. Hindi lahat ng bago at moderno ay nakakabuti para sa lahat. At isang pakiusap sa mga taong galing sa ibang bansa, wag nyong dalhin ang kultura ng bansang inyong pinanggalingan kung wala naman itong itutulong sa ikagagaling ng ating lipunan. Maaring nakakabuti ito sa bansang inyong pinanggalingan pero isipin nyo rin na iba ang kanluran sa silangan. Being Filipino is not just by blood, it's should be by heart.
My first Blog...
Well, I guess this will be a good start. Introductions!
I call my self Hugh Nanymoose. Yes, it's how it sounds like. I prefer not to tell much of my identity, but for some who knows how my idea goes, they pretty much will guess who I am.
So, here is the deal. This blog will be multi-lingual because there are things that is better to be expressed in Filipino and there are things that are better expressed in English and some in other foreign language or maybe native dialects that I will leave it to you readers to figure out.
I came from a low class family. So pretty much I am no stranger to struggles. I am educated in schools that my parents prefer. I am no university grad because my parents thought that it will be practical to take a diploma course that provided me the skills to understand IT and land on a supposedly high paying job. I did though had plans to go to college when I have a stable job. But circumstances did not really give me much choice but to abandon the plan and take care of my parents until the time that their stay on earth was revoked and they have to return to our Maker.
Currently, I am employed to a Fortune 500 company and have been staying here since 2007. Prior to my current job, I used to be in the services and manufacturing company. I spent 2 years in the IT support services business and 4 years in manufacturing. Now I am in the call center business which has been in the spot light for quite some time now because of it's impact to the countries economy. This is my 5th year in the call center business combining my years from my former company last 2005. I guess I will still be around in this business for a few more years. My reason? dynamism...well at least from where I'm at. There is a lot of excitement going on in this company that a lot of people are either compelled to stay or leave because of the speed of change the company undergoes. But from my point of view, I think these changes are good as long as you are well informed. Oh yeah, and one of the reason is...Yes, the pay is good.
So I guess, this will be it for now. I will be posting blogs in the near future. It may be mundane, interesting, controversial but not scandalous, it might be opinionated, or whatever you may think about it. But hey, that is my thought.