Sunday, February 28, 2010

Confessions of a Torpe

When I was a kid, I was not confident enough to talk to pretty girls because I thought that they only talk to cute guys. I never thought of myself as "cute" back then and I am still not thinking that I am now, so you can imagine the level of insecurity I had and might still have. During my kindergarten years, I was approached by a nice girl many times but I instinctively run away. For some months, she always try to talk to me and I just look down on the floor avoiding to make eye contact. But then she got tired of trying to be friendly with me and she decided to befriend other boys and just left me alone. One time, I saw her laughing and playing with the other guys and in my tiny heart I felt a small feeling of jealousy. But then I didn't do anything about it even though we have been paired in some school activities many times, I just didn't know how to deal with girls and my parents didn't really paid attention much when I showed signs of girl phobia. Oh well, you know how old folks are.

Elementary school came, I went to public school. Not much girls around, just a few farmer's daughter who acted like boys. I felt a little comfortable when girls played with us boys back then. And I felt good when I win the game for them. The girl's are one of the boys.Then, I met an exceptionally pretty girl during my intermediate years. We talked, we share school stuff, jokes, even walked together, we are really getting close. And one thing she shared to me was her crush on one of my friends. Ooh what a let down. I was like planning to write a nice little note about how I feel and when the time is right...aahh forget about it. I wasn't doing well in dealing with infatuations back then. I clammed up and started being mean to the girl. Way to go, kiddo! hahaha. We never talked ever since and never heard of her since then.

High school I sort of improved...a little .Well, honestly I didn't enjoyed high school much. Yeah, so most kids do consider high school the best times of their lives. It's a period of discovery and learning about yourself and your peers. It's the time when some kids are eligible to get into relationships. It's a period where girls will chase after cute boys and boys are busy being curious with lots of "things". I however, am one of the weird ones. I become aloof and prefers to be alone. I tend to just blend in to the surroundings instead of mingle with the crowd. Yeah, I do found a liking to pretty girls every year. But the pretty girls will just say "hi" and "bye" just like that if they knew you got your eye on them. But when I mustered enough courage to tell one of them, an older girl came up to me and started to tell me that she likes me. I was totally held back. I didn't know how to handle it. She was like singing a song right in front of me and during break times she will sit down beside me and talk of whatever she wanted to say and I will just answer with few phrases then look away. She wrote like 3 letters to me. She even called a radio station and dedicated a song for me! I have no idea how to handle it. I am bewildered by the turn of events and of course, I like someone else that time. So I think it ended when I said, I wasn't ready to be involved which is so not entirely true. But then she didn't really took it well. She held so much grudge that even 3 years after graduation, she would give me the evil eye. I never got into any relationships during my high school days but it then it was a combination of a lot of things and not because of her.

I did experienced a few heartaches after high school. I did realize that men are not always the ones that are capable of hurting ones feeling but women could be equally mean when they themselves had been hurt once before and you are just and unwitting victim of their revenge to the male species. I grew up with 5 sisters and I saw them laugh and cry on different relationships they had. They always reminded me (and sometimes in a form of a threat, hehehe) not go around breaking girls heart. Even my only brother could be a douche sometimes but hey, he does learn most of the time to respect women. I did at some point did not take advantage on women. Sometimes I overdid it and some of them accuse of me of being a homo. Ah, the price of being a gentleman, but at this age and times, I guess chivalry might be dead or not even remembered by both genders. The liberal minded could really make true gentlemen cease to exist. I did taste a few human pleasures; younger and older than me. Most of the time, these relationship happens to fast it ends quickly without you even knowing what it really meant. And that leaves me empty.

I still do have the tendency to not tell what I feel for a woman that I really like. I still hide my feelings and always wearing a facade of being funny, unlikeable character. But if one can really read between the lines, when I get ridiculously funny to a girl, sometimes it means something else. I can easily say something smart and revert to being dumb. I can throw sweet words and take it back and then give funny lines. Yep, I am a complicated character at times. I guess not everybody will have the patience to know what it really means to be a Torpe.

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